Distinct lack of oxygen in ere..

Originally uploaded by brookeshaden

So many years of wishing I didn't feel..
So many wasted moments of craved nihility..

I now find myself unable to 'feel' sometimes..
well.. feel like I use to.
oh, I can wallow.. don't be misled.. I'm a good wallower..
lots of practice..
Does it perhaps go hand in hand with naivety?
Is that what I've lost? [not entirely, but perhaps just where matters of the romantic heart is involved]
I'm still able to feel deeply.. even pine..
But in the back of my head I always know that I'll be ok, no matter what..
Nothing and no-one can shatter my 'world' any more.. only I'm capable of doing that.

The idea of 'soul mates'?
What happened to me?!
Too attached to my perception of reality it seems..
Because I can't believe anymore.. I want to.. and sometimes contrary to what my head thinks..
I do KINDA believe in 'soul mates'.. for other people :P
We all have a few I think.. I don't believe in the concept of one unit split in half..
I think the human condition, the emptiness, can't be filled by a person.
It's a personal journey of fulfilment..
But it's only speculation.. what do I really know?
It'll probably change tomorrow anyway.. the more we learn, the less we know eh.

I'll tell you what I do believe.
To experience the all encompassing love that I crave, you have to give yourself over to it completely..
no restrictions..
no fear..
boundaries or selfishness..
Terrifying.

Perhaps my capability for the mystical is still there..
I'm just a coward.
Sure hope so..
x

in the aquarium

in the aquarium
Originally uploaded by brookeshaden

Brain bubble - Wanting what doesn't exist

I want the white picket fence.
Well.. not exactly..
But my idea of it...
and sometimes I hate myself for it.
..and in the same breath, I don't know if I believe it exists..
This domestic bliss that I imagine, with children and family life that's fulfilling and brings joy.
pffff..
If only I could believe my mothers stock answer to so many of my Q's --> God has a plan for you.
I sure do hope so mom.. cause my plan is flawed/confusing/non existent.
Sigh.
How can I not know what I want from my life..
why so many utterly opposing desires?!
How do I filter them?
I don't want life to just 'happen' to me.
Yes, it's good to be flexible and 'go with the flow', but I like the idea of making decisions (even if you decided later it was a rubbish one and choose to do something else)
I still wanna CHOOSE. I want to be my own scriptwriter, the captain on my journey, the driver..
I want control dammit.
sigh.
Then why do I spend most of my life being so utterly out of control?
perhaps it's all down to feeling..
that bane again.
*wonders off to find a way of keeping the hollowness at bay for a wee bit longer*