Commitmentphobia..

* Originally uploaded by Alexey Dubinsky

I haven't admitted something this difficult to myself in years..
What have I been doing all this time?
I've always joked about having a fear of commitment, but then I decided I do after all want to get married one day..
So I naively thought.. 'well, obviously I don't'

A string of unattainable partners..
always wanting more.. craving more..
believing I'm undeserving, or unrealistic..
and yet always throwing myself head first into something I KNOW isn't right for me..
and then wondering why this always happens.
me. that's why.
Deep down I always know it's my own fault.. but somehow I manage to delude myself into believing it's just 'life'

No. It's not.
This is my life.
This is my head.
and both will change.
from this moment forward.
I will not just be better. I will remember that decisions can always be changed.
You never have to stick to a choice purely because you made it.
Flexibility. Flow. Evolution.

Stop being afraid.
You don't have to believe.. perhaps that will come.
But believe in yourself.
*wipes away her tears and feels lighter for the first time in days*

I'm afraid of nothing.. 'cept everything.
Et redit in nihilum, quod fuit ante nihil.
It began of nothing, and in nothing it ends