Brain bubble - Wanting what doesn't exist

I want the white picket fence.
Well.. not exactly..
But my idea of it...
and sometimes I hate myself for it.
..and in the same breath, I don't know if I believe it exists..
This domestic bliss that I imagine, with children and family life that's fulfilling and brings joy.
pffff..
If only I could believe my mothers stock answer to so many of my Q's --> God has a plan for you.
I sure do hope so mom.. cause my plan is flawed/confusing/non existent.
Sigh.
How can I not know what I want from my life..
why so many utterly opposing desires?!
How do I filter them?
I don't want life to just 'happen' to me.
Yes, it's good to be flexible and 'go with the flow', but I like the idea of making decisions (even if you decided later it was a rubbish one and choose to do something else)
I still wanna CHOOSE. I want to be my own scriptwriter, the captain on my journey, the driver..
I want control dammit.
sigh.
Then why do I spend most of my life being so utterly out of control?
perhaps it's all down to feeling..
that bane again.
*wonders off to find a way of keeping the hollowness at bay for a wee bit longer*